


(Walking On)   The Face of the Moon

by PeridotQueen



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychological Trauma, if things were different
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-14
Updated: 2016-06-17
Packaged: 2018-06-02 04:21:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 14,357
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6550672
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PeridotQueen/pseuds/PeridotQueen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Raven didn't want to leave Abby behind, but Abby wasn't giving her a choice.</p><p>So Raven left and carried the guilt with her for years after.</p><p>But when a stranger shows up outside the Skypeople's camp walls covered in dirt and blood, mumbling something about her daughter and a bird, Raven is forced to face something she tried to push behind her years ago.</p><p>When a star dies, you can still see its light shinning for years after.</p><p>Raven never thought she'd see Abby again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. One Small Step

**Author's Note:**

> This story starts in season one when Raven leaves the ark. I'm not going to write too heavily about the Mountainmen and all the major battles, but I am going to talk a lot about the damage done afterwords. Clarke and the others are mentioned sometimes but they're not major at all so I chose not to tag them. This is partially an AU, but I'm trying not to diverge from the original story line too much. I'm going to write a lot of chapters for this but I have school and such so I don't know how frequently they'll be posted. I hope this turns out well. Sorry if anything's messed up, it's like the third time I've tried to post this and it's past 12am on a Wednesday so I'm already regretting everything but whatever. Enjoy while I sleep.

* * *

 

Raven didn't think they were going to make it.

The pod was almost unfixable.

_Almost._

That was, until Abby showed up with just the right parts to get it running again. She had exactly what Raven couldn't get herself. What Raven had failed to get on her own.

And now Abby would be floated for it. Floated because Raven couldn't do it herself. Because she _almost_ succeeded.

Almost isn't enough.

The pod could launch in _almost_ enough time to get them out of space and onto the ground.

Abby could _almost_ make it.

Raven could for certain.

"I won't leave without you."

Raven fought hard against Abby. She yelled and shook her head and clenched her fists, but Abby had made up her mind and even the second most hard-headed person in space couldn't convince her to leave.

"Raven, you have to find Clarke for me. You have to find her and make sure she's ok." Abby held onto Raven's shoulders and made the girl look at her.

"What about me? I'm not going to be ok." It wasn't fair, Raven wouldn't accept it.

"You'll be fine, Raven," Abby tried to smile, but there wasn't much she could do other than choke back tears. "Finn is waiting down there too."

Raven didn't care about Finn right now, Finn would be alive when she got down there. Abby wouldn't be. Raven would be looking up at the stars from Earth knowing that Abby's body was floating up there with them. Why should Raven get to go to the Earth and leave Abby forever floating out with the stars and space junk?

All Raven could do was shake her head. There wasn't anything else she could say.

"Now go, before Kane and the rest of them get here." Abby gave Raven's shoulders a gentle squeeze, hoping to get the girl to move.

It all happened so fast. The brief goodbye hug, leaving Raven feeling even more empty than before. The gentle smile Abby gave before she walked away from the room.

Raven watched as the ark got smaller and smaller in the distance. Things got blurry when tears filled her eyes and this time she didn't stop them from falling.

So many things could go wrong. She could end up landing somewhere completely different than where Clarke and the rest were sent down. Raven only hoped that she could find Clarke. If not, then this would've all been for nothing. Abby would've died for nothing and Raven would be alone once again.

It got hot and then hotter and then there was a loud crash and Raven could taste blood.

The landing hurt like hell, but she was alive and that was worth something. _Celebrate the little things, Raven, there isn't much left to be happy about anymore._

She didn't even register the fact that she was on the ground at first. Raven was still mostly thinking about Abby. Wondering if she was already gone.

When it hit her though, it hit her hard.

She was on the Earth.

Raven Reyes was on the Earth.

The dirt and the grass and the trees and the oceans she had once learned about as a kid on the ark. No metal walls and rations and risk of oxygen leaks. Just open air and huge skies and forests.

She was afraid though, she was terrified. She knew that she had to leave the pod, she had to look for Clarke.

So she opened the now smashed pod door and took a step out.

Then she took another.

Then she pulled and twisted and stumbled a little bit and put both feet on the ground.

_The ground._

It wasn't like anything she'd ever felt before. It wasn't like the cold, hard metal floors on the ark. It was soft and brown and crumbled in her hands.

She almost turned around to the pod to show Abby.

_Almost._

But she stopped herself before she could make it all the way around.

Abby wasn't there. No one was there. It was just her in a huge forest of greens and browns and golds and yellows.

Raven couldn't stop thinking about how Abby would react to all of this. How she would smile and her eyes would light up and she'd get that excited tone of voice and Raven would just nod and play it down when she was really even more happy about being on the earth than she would let on.

But now Raven wasn't doing anything but staring up at the sky and crying because all Abby would ever know was the cold, hard metal floors and walls and rations and oxygen leaks and the dark threat of space and her impending doom.

Just then, water began falling from the sky and Raven wondered if it was the Earth weeping for what almost could've been.

They could've made it out together.

They almost made it out together.

_Almost._

 


	2. You've Got Growing Up to Do

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this isn't complete shit. Thanks to everyone who has read or left kudos on this work, it really does mean a lot to me. Sometimes I forget that some people actually like what I write (☞ﾟ∀ﾟ)☞.
> 
> Anyway, give feedback on whatever, whenever, I love seeing what people have to say.
> 
> Thanks.

* * *

 

Things were different when Raven came down to earth. It got better for the Skypeople, they had a mechanic now, someone who they needed desperately to defend themselves from the attacks of the Grounders. For Raven though, things got worse, she was missing something, something that she needed desperately to defend herself from the deafening sounds of the things she couldn't hear in space.

Thunder scared her, and as much as she wanted to hide it, it was completely obvious to the rest of her group. She would stay indoors during storms and when she thought no one was looking, she would cover her ears and close her eyes, hoping that the booming sounds would turn into the constant hum of the machines on the Ark.

Adjusting was harder than she thought it would be, and it didn't help that she didn't have Abby there to go through it with her. Sometimes she would wake up and forget where she was. She would expect to find dull, gray walls surrounding her. Instead, she would find the tans and browns of the leather tent she slept in. It was definitely different.

Clarke had a hard time coping with the news of Abby at first, and Raven had to pretend she wasn't taking it as hard as she actually was for Clarke and the rest of the group's sake. She had to work, to help them, she didn't have time to sit around and cry about Abby's death. She had to move on immediately, there was no adjustment period for that loss.

Some days, it would get so hard that Raven would just stay inside. Not showing her face for as long as she could. If anyone saw how distraught she actually was, they would just ask questions and Raven didn't think she could handle that. She had dreamed about coming to earth with Abby. About how they could build something so indestructible that nothing on the earth could ever tear it down.

Now all she dreamt about was Abby's lost body floating somewhere out there among the stars.

Raven wasn't a kid anymore. None of them were.

Raven could tell that they had already been through a lot in their time on earth. She had been through a lot herself, too. More than anyone would ever know. All she had left on the Ark when they left was Abby. Abby had been there for her through everything when Finn left. At first, the pain of missing him was so strong that she thought it would never go away. With the help of Abby though, it grew smaller and smaller until sometimes, she didn't miss Finn at all, although she'd never tell him that. Now Abby was gone, and Raven was once again left wondering if she could ever move on. She had Finn again, and at one point in time she would've been ecstatic about returning to him. She wasn't though, she was too busy thinking about Abby to care if Finn was -or had been- sleeping with Clarke.

So she filled her time with radios and wires and tried to push any thoughts of space out of her head to no avail. She had a lot to do, they ended up needing her more than she thought they would. At times, she wondered if anyone actually missed her at all. It seemed like they only needed her to build things, she thought maybe they wouldn't care if it was anyone else, as long as they could build like she could. She knew that was stupid though, she might not have been that close to all of them, but even she knew that she was missed, even if it was just a little bit.

The weather on earth was crazy, she'd never experienced anything like it. How the wind seemed to come from no where at all. Unlike on the ark where it always came from some easily detected vent. The rain was incredible too, sometimes it came down fast and hard, and sometimes it came from all sorts of directions. Other times it slowly dripped from the sky in something like a mist, creating huge rainbows that stretched from the far corners of the sky. Raven figured that everyone else was already used to these changes, because whenever they happened, instead of tilting their heads up the sky and spreading their arms wide, they all just continued with whatever they had been doing previously. She didn't think she would ever get over how different the earth was. She almost loved it there. Almost.

But not quite, because no matter how many gusts of wind blew in her hair and whispered in her ears, no matter how much water fell from the sky and kissed her cheeks, and no matter how many rainbows cut through the endless blue above her, she would still be missing that one piece that made her work as smoothly as the machines she built.

 

* * *

 

 

The Grounder attacks seemed to be happening more frequently now. A couple once a week seemed to be the new normal at the camp. The only good thing about it was that the attacks were weaker than they had been when the Grounders attacked selectively. No one was sure why they had picked such a weak strategy, but they all knew that there had to be some reasoning behind it. They had seen how smart the Grounders were, and they weren't about to underestimate their strength.

"Raven, do you think you can fix up this radio for me? It got busted in the last Grounder attack."

Monty had walked into Raven's tent at an uncomfortable time to ask for her help. Raven had been sitting with her head in her hands, trying to get some sort of rest before the day really kicked into action. She hadn't been sleeping much for lots of different reasons. A couple being because the Grounder attacks were putting her on edge, and because she was afraid that if she actually slept at night, she would see Abby's face again and it would throw her out of the mind set she had worked so hard to get into.

"Uh, yeah, sure. How bad is it?" She quickly shook the sleepy fog from her head and began thinking about radio parts.

"I'm not really sure..it's just not working. Are you okay?" Monty handed her the radio, giving her a concerned look that she did not care for.

"I'm fine," she took the radio and began looking for the right screwdriver to unlatch the back. "Just tired."

"It shows," Monty picked up a red screwdriver from right in front of Raven and handed it to her.

"Thanks." Raven decided to ignore his comment and instead peacefully take the tool from him.

"Well, if we're working you too hard, you can always say something." He sounded genuinely concerned. Raven almost considered actually taking a break for once

"I'm fine, Monty, really." She looked up at him for the first time since he actually entered the room, trying to be convincing.

"Alright, well, thanks for the help with that." He gestured towards the small device and then turned and left the tent.

"No problem." Raven mumbled to herself, not caring to watch him leave.

She didn't mind Monty, she just didn't like being interrupted. Now she had something to do other than sleep, something that would keep her awake and away from any memories she didn't to go back to.


	3. Say it like You Mean it, Until You Believe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Most of my chapter titles are lyrics from songs and shit like that, but they're good songs, I swear, so maybe you can forgive me for that. This took a lot longer than I thought it would, but I've been caught up with video editing and school and stuff like that. I've got a lot of ideas for writing right now though so hopefully I'll be able to update this a little faster. I make no promises though ಠ‿ಠ

* * *

 

Weeks went by like years and Raven found herself no longer caring what time of day it was or what was going on around her. People fought, people died, it all became the new normal. Their numbers were dropping, and everyone now knew who the leaders of the pack were. Clarke and Bellamy took shit from no one, they were the decision makers, even if some people didn't like it. For everyone else, things would get hard and then get better, but for Raven, they seemed to stay the same all the time no matter who died. She didn't even have Finn anymore. He was around, sure, but he wasn't really _there_. He was always somewhere off with Clarke, even when he was with Raven, she felt Clarke radiating off Finn. She was like the fucking sun to Finn, and Raven couldn't stand it. It only made the guilt of leaving Abby behind grow and spread through her heart like poison.

Abby could've gone down alone and left Raven, Finn was already gone by the time Raven got there so there was really no point in her going. Clarke was still here though, and Raven felt it was her fault that Clarke would never see her mother again. It didn't help that every time Raven looked at Clarke, she could only remember Abby. Raven had let Abby down, if she could've only gotten the part herself- but she wouldn't think about that now because the if's were always too much to handle. She'd just end up digging herself into an even deeper hole than she was already in.

She had nothing to do anymore other than split bullets and filter out the good gun powder from the shitty kind. Everyone was out fighting and she was stuck in her sinking tent making bullets for a war that didn't seem to be ending anytime soon. Maybe she didn't mind it all that much though, maybe it was better to stay inside. 

 

* * *

 

The battles were clearly taking a tole on everyone, even those who weren't fighting. They were just kids. Kids sent down to earth to die, but they hadn't been dying until now. Now they were dropping like flies and they were running out of bullets.

Some people still had hope that the people from the Ark would come down, bringing supplies and food and help and everything would end up being okay. Raven knew it wouldn't happen though, everyone on the Ark was probably already dead. She didn't care, Abby would've died long before anyone else. She kept her pessimistic comments to herself, she knew that their hope was the only thing keeping them going right now, and she wasn't about to be the one to crush that hope. It was better for them to have something to hold on to, even if she had nothing.

Days passed, and more and more people started losing that hope they so desperately needed. One night though, one night shocked all the camp members, it was a night they had started to believe would never happen.

A ship started falling from the sky.

It happened slowly at first, something that looked like a star started growing bigger in the sky. No one really paid it any mind. But then someone yelled and heads turned up to the skies to see the large metal shuttle that was falling fast towards the ground. For a moment, Raven had hope that maybe Abby had survived somehow - she was too stubborn to die - and was riding down on that ship to earth. That hope was quickly vanquished when she noticed how quickly the shuttle was moving.

Too fast.

If you blinked, you would've missed it. You would've head it though. Anyone would've heard it. The loud _boom_ and the exploding sound, the fire in the trees and the smoke cloud billowing upwards.

Raven wondered if it had happened painlessly. She wondered if it was all just a flash of light and then darkness. She caught herself wishing that maybe Jaha was on that ship, maybe Kane too if she was lucky. She hoped it was painful, she hoped they knew it was coming just as Abby had. She hoped it hurt like hell and they felt it in every nerve in their body.

She swallowed and took her eyes off the crash sight. There might not have been anyone on the ship at all, but it looked too big to be just for cargo. She looked over at Bellamy, hoping that maybe he would have something to say about it because she knew that she couldn't say anything even if she wanted too.

"We'll check it tomorrow."

He hadn't even been talking to anyone really. Clarke was standing next to him, but Raven wasn't sure if she had been listening. Bellamy turned around then, taking his eyes off the gray smoke cloud, and then retreated into his tent. No one saw him again for the rest of the day, but Raven knew that Clarke would've gone in to talk to him about the plan at some point in time. That was a discussion she did not want to be a part of.

Checking would just lead to disappointment and dead bodies. If there had been any people on the ship that crashed, they certainly wouldn't be alive now. No one was coming to help them, they knew it was final now. When they died, that would be it. The Grounders would live on, and the people from Mount Weather, too - if they were even still alive - but all the Ark born would be gone. No one would tell stories of the dark machine that once floated in the stars. No one would know, no one would care. They would've all had a boring life, and a terrifying death. There would be no peace in dying on the ground, there would be no happy endings. Not for Clarke, or Bellamy, or Monty, or Octavia, or Raven, or anyone. They would die together, but alone. Wiped out by sickness or Grounders or whatever the hell else was living on the earth with them.

They would color the earth red and then leave it more barren than before.

Raven tried not to think about how much easier it would be if Abby was there with her, because Abby wasn't there with her and she never would be and there was no point in thinking of pointless things like that. False hope was something Raven refused to live with. She would suffocate in her own guilt before she accepted someone's stupid theories on how they were going to be okay. She knew they wouldn't be.

 

* * *

 

Bellamy and Clarke had apparently come up with a plan to scan the area of the crash to see if there were any supplies, and less likely, if there were any survivors.

They left early in the morning, waking Raven up to tell her what was going on. She had been unaware that they wanted her to go with them. They had some idea that there could be a radio or something to work with so they could communicate with the Ark. Raven doubted that there would be anything she could build out of that rubble, but she went anyway because the look of hope on Clarke's face was enough to drag her out of bed and out into the world again.

The damage was catastrophic. Trees all around had been seared and bent back from the crash and there was a huge crater in the ground where large chunks and pieces of the ship lay. It was certainly nothing Raven had ever seen before, but earth was full of stuff she had never seen before, so she got over it quickly.

Bellamy and Clarke began calling out to alert any survivors that they were there, but it was really Clarke that was doing all of the yelling. Bellamy was mostly just looking for weapons or anything that could actually be of use. Clarke was the only one in their small group of three that actually cared about finding people to save. Raven wondered how long that would last.

"Could this be helpful?"

Raven looked over at Bellamy who was holding up something that looked like a metal box with wires sticking out of it.

"Maybe, hand it here." Raven made her way over to him, holding out her hand to examine the object.

It seemed to be the ship's log, which wasn't necessarily helpful for building a radio, but it would help her to find out why the ship had crashed in the first place.

"I don't think anyone is alive here." Clarke called from across the wreckage.

Bellamy gave Raven a look of annoyance and then turned to Clarke, the expression quickly dissolving so Clarke wouldn't know he had made it towards her.

"I didn't think there would be." He replied, quickly returning to his search, not phased by Clarke's disappointment.

Raven ignored them and turned in a different direction to look.

It was then that she found the red liquid spilling from one of the fuel compartments of the ship.

She knew exactly what is was as soon as she saw it. It was a game changer, and unless the Grounders had found some way to build explosives, Raven now knew something that gave her people a great advantage.

"Hey, Bellamy," She called, not taking her eyes off what she had just found.

"What?"

"You wanna build a bomb?"


	4. Tell Me Where You've Been

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm thinking maybe I should have a day during the week that I post these, but I might just post them whenever they're written. I don't know. If anyone has any opinion on what you want me to do about posting then go ahead and say so.

* * *

 

Bellamy had been all over Raven and the bomb she was working on ever since they had brought the supplies back from the wreck of the Exodus ship. Every time he popped his head into Raven's tent, she had been quick to brush him off, saying that she was almost done. The design was simple, it was the follow up that was hard. For the bomb to work, it would need to be shot right on target, not even an inch off. Someone with a steady hand and good aim. Bellamy thought he should be the one to do it.

Raven was almost finished when members of the camp started collapsing in pools of their own blood.

According to Clarke, the grounders had sent over some sort of virus with Murphy, and now they were all dying. This, of course, brought Raven's plan to a halt. Bellamy still insisted he could do it, even when he started getting sick too. It was clear that he couldn't do it, no matter how badly he wanted to. So the responsibility was passed on to Jasper.

At first, Raven was fine with letting anyone go, as long as they could hit the target without getting themselves hurt. The more she thought about it though, the worse the plan seemed to her. Because what if someone got hurt? Jasper was actually starting to get what he wanted - popularity within the camp - and he wouldn't be able to live in the spotlight if he was dead. Raven had seen what actually happened when Jasper shot those Grounders, and she didn't really think he could pull it off again.

Raven might be able to pull it off though. Maybe not from a distance, but up close she could definitely hit the target without a problem. After all, it wouldn't matter all that much if she was gone. Sure, the camp needed her mind, but they didn't really need her. Monty would be a good mechanic, even without her around. Finn would get over it quickly with Clarke to comfort him.

So it was decided, Raven would sneak out with the bomb and a gun before anyone noticed. She would take care of it herself so no one would have to get hurt.

 

 

* * *

 

Her memory served her well as she made her way through the forest and towards the bridge. The bomb in her bag seemed to burn a hole into her back. She felt hot, and it wasn't just the weather. It didn't take long before she arrived at the right place.

In the distance, she could hear war drums. Her heart was pounding, she thought it was just nerves. There was something cool running down her face. She lifted her hand up to her nose and pulled it back, revealing the blood that was slowly dripping down her chin on to the ground.

"Shit," she mumbled, wiping the blood off with the back of her hand. She had been infected with whatever was spreading through camp. It wouldn't matter soon though. 

As quickly as she could, she placed the bomb down on the bridge and retreated to a nearby hill. It was almost far enough away, but she might end up getting seared a little if the explosion was big enough.

She gently pulled her finger back on the trigger. Squinting, she tried to get the barrel of the gun to line up with the can that sat a few yards in front of her. 

_Click._

A bullet bounced off the stone bridge a few feet next to the bomb.

Raven shook her head and started to pull her finger back again. She could do this.

_Click._

Miss, again.

Cursing, she realized that she would have to get a lot closer. The Grounders were close now though, and she did not plan on becoming a prisoner of war. It took all of her strength to pull herself up off the ground and stumble over to the bomb.

Through the trees, she could see small lights growing closer.

Laying down on the cold ground, she lined up the gun with the X on the bomb's casing.

"Raven!"

_So close._

* * *

 

Raven woke up in her tent, all alone and extremely sore. She was alive - unless this was hell - and incredibly confused.

Slowly, the memories started coming back to her. Someone had taken her from the bridge before she could blow up the bomb. That meant that either the plan had worked and they had gotten her out in time for someone else to blow up the bridge, or she had fucked everything up and they had failed to stop the Grounders from invading.

But if that were true, she would probably be in some sort of cave or prison cell, so they had to have succeeded.

"What the fuck was that?"

_Awesome._

Bellamy appeared above Raven, a sour look on his face.

"You know, you're not very attractive when your mad," Raven smirked and then winced because it hurt to breathe too hard.

Bellamy only rolled his eyes and shook his head. "I don't have time for you to get all suicidal." He sounded pissed off, which was understandable but also annoying.

"I'm not suicidal, Bellamy, I was only trying to help." She struggled to sit up, batting Bellamy's hand away when he tried to help.

"Well you could've fooled me," He sounded tired. "Next time you come up with a stupid plan like that, maybe try telling me before you follow up with it."

"Sure thing, Boss." She mocked, sarcastically saluting him with her hand on her forehead like a soldier.

Raven assumed that she was free to go because Bellamy just left without saying anything like 'get some rest' or something about being bedridden. She fought through the pain and somehow managed to stand up on her own. Deciding that she should check up on Monty, she made her way out of the tent and slowly towards where he usually was.

"How's the log going?"

Monty was sitting at a desk covered in wires and bolts and all sorts of broken pieces of things. He looked up at the sound of Raven's voice and smiled brightly.

"You're back," He sounded happy to see her. Raven smiled weakly, moving closer to him and putting one of her hands down on the table to stable herself.

"Yeah, I am. Have you managed to get it working again?" She didn't really want to spend any time talking about what had happened to her with Monty. He probably already knew about it anyway.

"Uh, mostly," he looked back down at the log and made a face. "There's one thing that makes no sense, though."

"What?"

"Listen."

It sounded like static and someone mumbling.

"What is that?" Even Raven couldn't make out what the sound was which said a lot.

"I don't know, but whatever it is played right before the ship lost control and crashed. I think it was interfering with the ship's systems."

"That can't be possible." Raven shook her head, trying to think of any other possible reasoning behind the strange sound.

"Well, I don't know what else it could be."

There was silence between them for a few moments before Monty spoke up.

"Do you think it could've been from Mount Weather?"

Raven had almost completely forgotten about Mount Weather.

"Why would they have wanted the Exodus to crash?" It didn't add up, Mount Weather was supposed to be shelter for the people on the Ark.

"Maybe it was an accident." Monty tried to sound confident, but Raven could hear the doubt in his voice.

"Yeah, maybe." Raven swallowed, pushing any worries back deeper in her mind. "Good luck," she turned and left Monty there to continue working on the log. She doubted that he would figure anything else out.

Her first thought was to tell Bellamy or Clarke, but doing that might cause them to start hanging around the mechanic's area more, and she didn't want that. If Monty ended up being able to crack the signals - which was unlikely - she would tell them, but until then, she would keep quiet. 

No one would know what it was until she did.

"Raven, wait up!"

She turned around to see Monty sprinting towards her.

"What is it?" Did he figure out what it was already? Raven would be astounded if he had.

"I was looking at the log, and I think that they stole the ship."

"What?"

"Diana Sydney and some others," he held up a piece of paper to Raven as he regained his breath. "It said something about successfully getting the intruders off the ship before launch," he stopped, looking at Raven with uncertainty like he was holding something back.

"And?" 

"We've got to tell Clarke, Raven, I think her mom is still alive."

Raven froze, staring at Monty like he had just fallen from space without a pod.

"That's impossible, she was-"

"Floated, I know, but look." He pointed to a line of writing on the paper. "These are the names of the people that were kicked off."

Hidden within the names of people that Raven had never met before, in plain writing was _Abigail Griffin_.

"Which means there are still people up there on the Ark. It means that she's still alive." Monty sounded hopeful, like he was starting to believe that they were going to get help.

"If this is true, and that's a big _if_ , they certainly won't be alive for long." Raven's voice was calm, but her eyes hadn't left the list of names since Monty pointed it out to her.

Abby was alive.

This whole time she had been alive up there, stuck while Raven told everyone she was dead. Clarke would be ecstatic.

Raven was almost exuberant.

Almost.

But she knew that the Ark was running out of oxygen, they would all be dead up there soon. It was dread that filled her now, there was no happy ending to this that she could think of.

Raven thought that she had felt alone, but she couldn't imagine what Abby was feeling now.

"We have to tell Clarke." Monty repeated. "Raven?"

"I know."

Monty could barely hear her.

_I know._


	5. Pack Your Bags and Come Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I'm going to explain what I'm changing in this story. Basically, everything that happened in seasons 1-2 with the people on the ground still happened in this fic, it just happened without Abby. So Clarke and Raven never made contact with the Ark. Also, there's no ALIE because I do not want to get into all that in this story. By the end of this chapter *spoilers if you haven't seen seasons 2-3*, Finn is dead, Raven's leg is in a brace, Mount Weather has been defeated, and Lexa is still alive. However, most characters other than Abby, Raven, and Clarke will not be mentioned all that much. If anyone has questions, please ask. This chapter won't have names until the end, and yes, I did that on purpose.

* * *

 

 

There is cold metal beneath her and then there is nothing but air. She's never been like this, she's never fallen this far before because there's no where to fall from on the Ark.

All she sees is fire and a blinding light, brighter than any florescent above her head in her old home. Then there's darkness and something is stinging her eyes and she can't breathe. Everything looks twisted and distorted above her and she sinks  
down  
down  
down  
into darkness.

She swears that she can see the sky before she loses consciousness.

* * *

 

When she wakes, her head is pounding and her face feels like it's on fire. She goes to reach up and touch it but she can't move her hands. Looking down, she sees the thick rope wrapping her wrists together. The rope is too tight; her wrists are bleeding.

There are sounds of people speaking coming from behind her, but she can't turn to see who it is because her waist is tided to something rough. She would be panicking if she wasn't so tired. Her head is pounding.

She closes her eyes.

In her dreams, she sees the stars; but not from a window view, from a view on the ground. She's looking up and she can see the dark outline of clouds in the night sky. It's all so unreal, but her mind is saying that it's all really happening. She doesn't want to argue with what her mind is telling her so she goes along with it. Something soft brushes against her hand and then there are fingers wrapping around her own and she smiles, but before she can take her eyes off the stars and see who it is that's standing with her, she wakes up.

Reality is suffocating, and she always wakes up feeling like she's missing something. The dream doesn't change and for every night that she travels with her captors, tied to the back of what seems to be a horse, she grows more and more empty, like a piece of her is taken each time she falls asleep. She knows that she has to sleep though, if she doesn't, she'll slip and collapse while they're traveling and then she'll be killed. If she's going to survive long enough to see her people again, she's going to need to sleep. She's going to need to completely lose herself.

In the small glimpses of the people she's with, she notices that they're wearing masks over the lower part of their faces. The have war paints covering what isn't hidden by their masks. Their clothes are tattered and appear to be made of animal skin and old cloth. One of them has a metal chest plate. She immediately comes to the conclusion that they don't have any connection to her people. If they were, she wouldn't be getting threatened with death.

* * *

 

After days of traveling, they reach a wide river and they stop. She believes that they're going to restock on water, but those beliefs are quickly sent to their graves when she is hit on the back of the head with what feels like a piece of metal, or wood.

For the second time since she's been on earth, she loses consciousness.

* * *

 

Now there's something above her head in the place of the sky. It looks like the ceilings back at the Ark, and she could've convinced herself that it was all just a dream if it weren't for the dried blood on her arms and the aching of her bones.

Sometimes they shout things at her. Sometimes she can understand them; sometimes she can't. They ask questions about the "Sky People" mostly. She assumes that they're talking about the 100, which means that they're still alive. She would've been full of hope if she didn't already know that she would never see them again. Most of the time she's wondering if they think she's dead. She almost wishes that they're searching for her. She tries to tell herself that she'll make it out alive, but the more time that passes, the harder it is to believe. The light that was once keeping her going is now dying out and it's getting harder and harder for her to see through the darkness.

She can always tell when they're coming because she can hear their boots hitting the ground from far away. Then she hears the loud scratching and slamming noises of the large door that they keep her behind. It seems to get louder every time and soon she can only ever hear their shouting and door slamming. The sounds get worse and she starts to become more afraid of them than anything else. The sounds are the starting point; the peak of her anxiety.

After a while- she loses track of time- they don't talk as much, they rely on other methods of communication like knives and burning swords. Things that make her wish she had been floated when she was supposed to. If it hadn't been stopped, she wouldn't be here now. She'd be up in the stars where she belongs.

She used to say that the ground was the dream; now it's more of a nightmare. All she wants is to go back to the Ark because a tin can in the sky seems better than a tin can on the ground.

She fights at first, squirming and kicking and yelling, but they're invincible and she can't even make a dent. She only succeeds in slowing things down for a few minutes.

There were a lot of tears in the beginning, a lot of begging, but after a while, the pain stops bothering her so they are forced to try new things. They get more creative and she wonders why she's so important to them. The scars are bad, she knows it even though she can't see half of them. She can feel them on her skin. She wonders what's going on to make the information she holds so important.

A few times, she tries to warn them about infections, telling them that if any of her wounds get infected, she'll die. They never seemed to care. It was shocking that she wasn't dead already, the room she was in wasn't clean at all, and they weren't exactly careful with her. It takes convincing, but she gets them to realize that if she dies, she takes all their information with her. She tells them that she's the only one who knows the answers to their questions, so they have to keep her alive. She's lucky it works.

_Lucky._

She doesn't feel lucky.

When they're not with her, she thinks about how things used to be and how she'd give anything to be back with the people she loves. It hurts her more than the cuts on her body and the burns on her chest. She hopes that wherever her people are, they're surviving; she has faith in them. She hopes that she'll survive too, but she doesn't have faith in herself.

It almost seems like payback for sending the 100 to the ground without warning, but that feels so long ago to her now. She hopes that nothing like what's happening to her ever happened to them. She's hopes that it's only her. If she dies like this, she'll die full of regret, wishing that she could see her people's faces one last time. She wishes that instead of that pointless dream she always has, she could dream of them. She wishes she could've done more. If she had been just a little faster then she wouldn't be in this mess; she'd be with everyone else. Is that what they would want though? Sometimes she thinks it's for the best, if she disappears now, she'll save them a lot of work later. She just wants to go home, but she doesn't even know where home is anymore.

* * *

 

Eventually, they figure out that if they cover her face with cloth and pour water over it instead of letting her drink, she'll talk more. Never enough to give them what they want, but enough to make them stop when she can't take anymore. She's never thirsty through those weeks, and sometimes she won't drink for a long time after. She forgets what it feels like to have water in her stomach and not in her lungs.

* * *

 

She wakes up at some hour and comes to the conclusion that her arm is broken, along with three of her fingers. That's only going based off the excruciating pain shooting through her lower arm and hand, without the proper equipment, she won't know for sure. It's hard to tell where the brushes covering her body came from, so she can't make any certain choices on the condition of her arm based off color. She notices that there is blood caked under her fingernails; she can't tell whether it's hers or someone else's. She can't remember what happened the day before. She's not even sure if a day has passed since she fell asleep.

* * *

 

They hadn't visited much lately, she wonders what else they're doing while they're gone. She mostly sleeps now, trying her best to recover from everything that's happened. Her hands are still bound though so she can't do anything manually. She has to count on her body to do all the healing on its own.

When they start coming more frequently again, they ask for names and weaknesses and strengths and plans and all sorts of things. She usually doesn't have answers but sometimes- on accident- a name will slip out and they'll stop for a moment to report back to whoever they're doing all this for.

In those moments, she'll curse herself in worse ways than they have because if she could just be a little stronger than she could keep her mouth shut. She's so weak though, she's so tired and she just wants to close her eyes and never open them again. She's tired of staring at the same grey ceiling and the same angry faces and the same blood stained floor.

But she will stay awake for now because she's decided that this is not how her story ends.

* * *

 

It happened long after it began. One simple mistake, one slip up. She knew that they would be killed for it. She didn't care though, she hoped they died.

There was a knife left carelessly on the ground near her. It almost seemed too good to be true, and at first, she thought that she was only imagining it. She only realized that it was actually there when she felt it press into her hand. It was there, and she was there, and she wanted to leave. She'd served her time.

She used any strength she had left to wiggle the knife behind her and slice through the ropes tired around her wrists. It seemed to take her hours and her heart was pounding so loud in her ears, she was afraid she wouldn't hear the doors open if her captors came back.

Getting her legs unbound was another task in itself. Her fingers were badly injured, along with the rest of her, and she could barely bend then without wanting to scream. It takes even longer than getting her wrists undone.

When the rope comes loose, she almost smiles. Her job is not done yet though, she still has to get out. She has never seen the outside of this room before, she has no idea what to do.

But then there is an opening in the wall, a sort of hole. It was poorly covered, but it looked like a draining spot for flooding.

Her next step is to move, something that she hasn't done on her own in a very long time. It hurts to breathe even, the task of movement seems so far away to her, but somehow, whether it's determination or just plain magic, she makes her way to the hole in the wall. Crawling on the floor, she holds her breath until she is touching the cold stone wall of her room. Victory seemed so close. She could almost feel the sun on her skin.

* * *

 

The next thing she remembers is green and brown and the crunching of the ground beneath her feet. She's been wandering for days, stopping only on occasion. She doesn't know how she's made it this far, but she decides not to question it. She doesn't even know where she's going. The cold of night keeps her awake and she begins to wonder if she should've just stayed back in that room and died when she was supposed to.

She was too stubborn to die though; she would not give up now.

* * *

 

There are faces all around her, illuminated by the moon and the stars and she realizes that she's laying down staring up at the night sky.

People are yelling again and all of a sudden she wants to run away because maybe these people are like the ones she spent so much time with before. She struggles and kicks at their reaching arms. They're saying her name over and over like they haven't seen her in years, like she came back from the dead.

Did she?

Then she realizes that these faces are not the faces of strangers. She knows these people. These are _her_ people. All she wants now is to see her daughter and her flightless bird.

She tries to speak, to say something, but all she can do is scream until she can't breathe anymore because she's in so much pain and all she wants is for it to go away. There's a prick on her neck and the she watches as the sky grows darker around the edges and then turns to nothingness.

She could've sworn she saw Raven's face before she loses consciousness.


	6. Take Me Back to the Night We Met

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can I just say that the most recent episode of The 100 really fucked me up. I am ready for the 2nd part of s3 but I am also 100% scared. I was so afraid that Abby was going to die.
> 
> Anyway, I hope this chapter isn't shit. It was a lot longer than I planned it to be, but whatever. I'm doing this thing where every chapter has more words than the previous one so that I can't slack off on the length of these chapters.
> 
> I tried ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

* * *

 

_"Where's my mom?" Clarke's voice was laced with confusion and dread. She asked even though she already knew the answer._

_"She wasn't there with us." It was Kane who spoke. He was there with his ground of survivors from the Ark. "I saw her and then she was gone." He looked at his feet, disappointment keeping him from making eye contact with the girl in front of him. "We searched for a long time before we left, Clarke. I'm so sorry."_

 

* * *

  
Abby was here now. Collapsed on the ground only a few feet away from Raven. 

Raven didn't know what to do, she couldn't move. She almost couldn't recognize Abby because of the bruises and damage from her traveling. Raven knew that her extensive injuries weren't just from her making her way to the camp. A part of Raven didn't need to ask what had happened. She already knew.

They had witnessed what the Grounders did to people that they didn't like. Some of them had even been through it first hand. Raven had been at the end of some of the Grounder's rage before, but she had never seen anything like this.

On top of everything, Raven felt guilty. While everything that had been going on at the camp was happening, Abby was tortured and left alone to die. Raven had thought she had it hard, now she realized how easy things had been for her.

She wondered if the Grounders that they had been working to build an Alliance with knew about Abby. If this whole time, they had just been keeping it a secret, hoping to break her and get all the information they needed to finally crush the 100. Maybe the whole alliance had been a farce and they had been working behind the 100's backs the whole time.

 

* * *

  
_"I hope she's dead."_

_Raven had run into Clarke a few days after Kane broke the news to her about Abby at the bar Jasper had created._

_"You don't mean that."_

_"I do, Raven." Clarke looked up at her with tired eyes._

_Raven wondered how long Clarke had been sitting there alone. Empty cups were lined up like soldiers around her, protecting her from her feelings and the outside world. Clarke usually wasn't a drinker but times had changed her. They had all changed._

 

* * *

  
Abby was rushed to the medical word they had at camp immediately after she was sedated. There were so many people, Raven struggled to push though the crowds.

"Mom!"

Clarke's voice pierced through all the loud talking of the people surrounding her. 

Raven spotted her pushing through lingering bodies, making her way towards the front of the crowd.

"Let me through!" She sounded frantic, but Raven knew that they wouldn't let her in to see Abby no matter what she did. They wouldn't let her see her mother in her current state. Raven didn't blame them.

"Clarke, we need you to-" whoever had been speaking was abruptly cut off by the crazed blonde now standing in front of them.

"Get out of my way." Clarke tried to push through the guard and failed.

"She needs immediate medical care, we need all the space we can get."

"Clarke," Raven reached the front of the crowd and set a hand on Clarke's shoulder.

"Get off of me!" Clarke spun around so fast that Raven almost lost her balance and fell over.

Raven took a small step back, surprised by Clarke's reaction. 

Clarke's eyes were full of so many emotions, Raven knew almost exactly how she was feeling. She couldn't tell Clarke that though. How could she when she couldn't even explain it to herself?

 

* * *

_  
Raven stood at the edge of camp and stared off into the forest that stretched out in front of her. She blinked and then looked up at the sky. The bright light of the Ark that was once shinning with the stars now seemed dimmer._

_"Where are you?" She spoke to the empty air around her, hoping that maybe, somehow, Abby would just come walking out of the trees and right up to Raven._

_The quiet sound of the bugs in the woods replied to her, reminding her of how alone she really was. There was no one else out with her now, only the stars and whatever was lurking in the dark._

_"I'm waiting."_

 

* * *

  
Someone Raven didn't recognize walked up to the guard that was stopping Clarke from seeing her mother and whispered something into the guard's ear.

Nodding, the guard turned back to the crowd and cleared his throat. "This area needs to be cleared! Everyone go back to your places and carry on with your day!"

Raven looked around her as people slowly started to walk away. Eventually, only her and Clarke were left.

"You two need to leave also." The guard almost looked nervous. Clarke was intimidating, but Raven knew that she wouldn't be able to do anything in her current emotional state.

"You can't do this." Clarke muttered, staring up at the guard with an unwavering gaze.

"I'm sorry." The guard wasn't going anywhere.

Raven saw the slight drop of Clarke's shoulders and some of the fire leave her eyes. Clarke knew there was no way that she was going to get in to see her mother.

"Clarke, we'll come back later." Raven tried to sound hopeful, but there was a part of her that didn't know if there would even be anything to come back to later. Abby hadn't been in great shape when Raven saw her, and they were running low on medicine because of the surgery Raven had needed on her spine. She wasn't about to share any of her concerns with Clarke even though she was pretty sure Clarke was feeling them too. 

 

* * *

  
Raven was awoken by the sound of screaming. For a second she thought they were back at the drop ship and were under attack. Her heart sped up and she looked around frantically for something to defend herself with. It took her a while, but eventually she remembered where she was and what was actually going on.

The night air sent chills down her spine. She walked through the camp and made her way towards the sounds of the screaming. Crossing her arms tightly in front of her chest, she grew nervous as she got closer to the source of the noise.

It was coming from the medical ward, and Raven noticed that there was no one standing outside to stop her from entering.

Her mind told her to stay outside, to keep her eyes away from the ward and walk away. Despite her inner thoughts, her legs moved her forward and into the room.

Abby was clearly panicking. Jackson was rushing around her with a needle trying to get her to calm down enough so he could inject her with whatever was in the syringe. Even his familiar face didn't calm her.

Raven felt a stab of pain in her chest as she watched the woman struggle against whatever was holding her down. It was hard for Raven to see details with everything that was going on around her. It looked worse than Raven had thought it was.

After what seemed like forever, Jackson managed to get the needle into Abby's neck. She went quiet and stopped moving.

Dark eyes fell on Raven and she froze for the second time that day. Her heart clenched with longing and her throat closed up.

"Raven?" It was a whisper, but Raven heard it. Apparently so did Jackson because he turned quickly to see the woman that was standing at the entrance of the medical ward.

"Raven!" He looked at her and then back at Abby who was now unconscious. "You can't be in here." Leaving Abby's side, Jackson made his way towards Raven to make her leave.

"I know." Raven whispered. Realizing that she was staring to tear up, Raven cleared her throat and tore her eyes away from Abby. "I heard her screaming."

Jackson inhaled sharply and placed his index finger and thumb on the bridge of his nose. He squinted his eyes closed and thought for a moment. "She's not doing so well." He said finally once he had looked back up at Raven.

"Yeah, I see that." Raven replied, biting her lower lip. She wanted to know what exactly was going on, but she was afraid of what Jackson would say.

"Come, sit." Jackson motioned to a table that was on the other side of the ward.

Raven walked over with him and sat down in the chair across from his. She didn't want to, but she forced herself to keep her eyes on him and not on the ground. 

"She said my name." Raven's voice was quiet and weak despite her best efforts to compose herself.

"She did," Jackson swallowed and clasped his hands together on top of the table in front of him. "And that's actually a good sign." He looked down at the table, breaking eye contact with Raven. "I was beginning to think that she couldn't remember any of us." His voice now, too, was in a whisper. Raven could tell he was concerned. Anyone would be, but Jackson did truely care about Abby. Raven remembered that anytime she saw Jackson on the Ark he was with Abby. "You're the only person she's recognized."

Raven felt hopeless until she remembered that Clarke hadn't been in to see Abby yet. She hoped that Abby would start recognizing people once she started getting things more under control.

"I think that she still believes she's with whoever held her captive before." Jackson looked back up and Raven and she noticed how tired he looked. He'd been working alone for so long, and now was going to be harder on him than ever.

"When do the guards come back?" Raven didn't want to leave now that she was here. She felt like it was wrong to leave Abby here with no one that she recognized.

Jackson started to shake his head when he realized what Raven was thinking. "Raven, it's really not a good idea for you to stay here. It's not happy work."

"I can handle it, and it'll be for just one night. Please, Jackson."

He hesitated, debating with himself on what he should say. "Fine, but just one night, and you cannot tell Clarke."

For the first time in what felt like forever, Raven smiled. "Thank you." She stood up with him and they walked over to where Abby was. "Why is she strapped down?" Raven hadn't noticed the restraints when she first entered, but now she could see them.

"I couldn't fully examine her injuries with her fighting against me. I'm not just worried about her accidentally hurting herself. She hit me pretty hard a few times." Jackson sighed quietly and looked at Raven. "You'd think that she'd be unable to move because of the extent of her injuries, but she's a fighter."

Raven smiled softly and looked down at Abby. "Yeah, she is."

 

* * *

 

When Abby woke up there was a head covered in dark hair resting on her leg. Panicking, she pulled against the restraints around her wrists.

The person sleeping on top of her jolted upright almost as soon as Abby started moving.

"Hey," Raven said urgently, trying to be as quiet as possible. "Abby, it's me; its Raven." She placed a hand on Abby's arm in attempt to calm her down.

Abby seemed to relax a little when she realized that it really was Raven.

"Where are we?" Abby's voice was hoarse and her words came out in  whispers. Raven didn't think she was purposefully speaking quietly though, she figured something happened to cause her throat to become sore.

"Camp Jaha," Raven took a deep breath and tried to think of how she could explain the situation without pushing too much information on Abby. "We-" she stopped and rephrased her words. "You found us."

"I did?" Abby looked genuinely confused.

"You don't remember?" Raven tilted her head to the side. Maybe the injections Jackson was giving her had some sort of effect on her memory.

"No," Abby swallowed and then flinched, clearly pained by the act. "I'm sorry." She saw the disapointment in Raven's eyes and felt bad for not being able to satisfy her.

"Hey, no, don't be sorry." Raven shook her head  and moved closer to Abby. "You have no idea how glad I am to see you. We all thought you were dead." Raven smiled for a moment but it quickly fell when she saw Abby's reaction.

"I'm not the same, Raven." She looked even more tired before, as if she was retreating back into her memories.

"I know." Raven bit the inside of her cheek until she tasted blood. "Sorry Clarke couldn't be here." She wouldn't tell her that the guards weren't letting anyone visit, she didn't want Abby to feel any more trapped than she already did.

"I'm glad you're here." Abby said quietly, trying her best to sound happy.

Raven nodded and took a deep breath. "Do you remember-" Raven stopped, realizing that she shouldn't be asking Abby questions.

"Yes." Abby didn't need Raven to finish her question. It's not like there was anything else she could ask about. There was nothing else to Abby's life on earth.

The sound of someone coming into the ward echoed in Raven's ears and she turned to see who it was. Immediately, she noticed Abby's reaction. She had turned too, but faster and in more of a jerking way. Raven glanced anxiously between Abby and Jackson who had now entered the room. Raven then noticed that Abby's hand had clamped onto her own. Her grip was tight, but Raven didn't mind because she knew Abby needed some sort of anchor.

"Jackson?" Abby's grip loosened and she started to actually breathe again.

Jackson smiled, his tired eyes lighting up and he nodded. "Yeah." He walked over to the two of them and looked at Raven with a concerned look.

Raven only nodded slightly, letting him know that she was ok. "Now that she's recognized you, Jackson, do you think she still needs these?" Raven motioned to the restraints that were tied around Abby's arms. She noticed for the first time that the restraints barely even stayed on Abby's small wrists. Raven wondered how much the people that held her captive had fed her.

"I guess..." Jackson trailed off, clearly hesitating, weighing all the possible situations that could come of him taking the restraints off Abby. He looks at her, because even though she's his patient now, he still feels that he needs her help. "It's the first step." He says, leaning down to untie Abby's wrists.

Abby visibly draws back from Jackson's hands, avoiding any actual contact as he releases her arms. She recognizes him, but there's still a part of her that's saying she can't trust him. It wasn't Jackson though, he didn't do anything wrong and deep down, she knows that.

Raven watched carefully, her heart pounding. She wanted so badly for nothing to go wrong. If Abby did something, Jackson might have to tie her back up again and Raven didn't think that was really the best option for Abby right now. She had been tied up for so long now, Raven knew it couldn't be good for them to keep her down any longer.

"There." Jackson was smiling softly, but Raven could tell that he was just as nervous as she was. 

"Thank you, Jackson." Abby said softly, trying to calm him down a bit. It was that voice that Raven had heard before on the Ark. That 'everything will be ok' voice. It was the same tone she had used with Raven when she had broken the news about not being able to go down to Earth with Her.

It was then that Abby sharply inhaled, moving her left arm only slightly down towards her leg. She had tried to make no noise at all, but the pain that was now flowing through her ankle was the worst she had felt since she had been awake.

"Abby?" Raven's heart picked up again and she looked at Jackson anxiously, hoping he would have some sort of answer to what was happening.

"Here, here," Jackson moved quickly, like he had known this would happen. Raven assumed whatever was in the syringes was some sort of heavy pain killer because almost as soon as it was shot into Abby, she started to slip back under again.

"What's wrong with her?" Raven asked Jackson once Abby was unconscious.

"Lots of things, Raven." Jackson sighed heavily and put the needle back on the tray where he had gotten it from. "That was probably her ankle though; it's fractured in several different places."

Raven bit her lip and looked back down at Abby. Had she been in that much pain the whole time she was talking to Raven? She hated to think that Abby was, for Abby's sake.

"Why would anyone..." Raven whispered to herself, stopping before she could finish because she knew why. It was because the Grounders were ruthless and they didn't stop until they got what they wanted. Abby knew more about the 100 than anyone else the Grounders had captured for that long of a time. Raven couldn't help but feel guilty about all that had happened to Abby. She knew it wasn't her fault, but there was always that voice in the back of her head saying things like _'if you had just searched for longer'_ or _'if you hadn't given up on her'_.

"You should probably go, she's going to be in a lot of pain when she wakes up." Jackson looked at Raven with a deep sadness filling his eyes.

"Can I come back later?" Raven asked, hoping maybe Jackson would be more open to guests now that Abby was starting to recognize more people.

"I don't know if that's a good idea." There was an uncertainty in Jackson's voice that Raven didn't like.

"If I could show her around camp sometime, maybe-" 

"Raven, I don't even know if she can walk yet." Jackson shook his head. "I mean, she's hurt, really, really hurt. I've never seen anything this bad before." He crossed his arms in front of his chest and scanned the extent of Abby's visible wounds with his eyes.

"I'm not going to stop coming to see her, no matter how bad things get." Raven meant that as a promise to herself and Abby. She wasn't going to give up on her ever again.

"Ok," Jackson nodded in surrender and motioned for Raven to leave. "But you do have to go now."

Raven nodded and pulled out a scrap piece of paper from her jacket pocket. After scribbling something down quickly, she pressed the paper into Abby's palm and left.

 

* * *

 

It was dark when Abby woke up and she could barely see. Something was scratching at her hand and when she looked down, there was a small, folded piece of paper that had been pressed into her palm.

She opened it.

_Jackson made me leave, sorry. I'll be back though, I promise. I'm not going to leave you again._

_-Raven_

Abby remembered back to so long ago when Raven had to leave her behind on the Ark.

She didn't know when exactly it happened, but when she reached up to touch her face, she felt the wetness of tears against her cold fingers. If she could go back to the night they had met, she would've changed so many things.

"I'll be waiting."


	7. You'll Find Somebody You Can Blame

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been so long since I've updated this story. I had finals to deal with and then I was traveling a bit after school got out. I'm home now though so hopefully I'll be able to update more often. However, I make no promises. Life is unpredictable. Right, so, here it is, I hope it's worth the wait.
> 
> P.S. remember that all feedback is appreciated, I love hearing what you guys have to say about the story. Any questions that you have will be more likely to be answered on my Tumblr which is im-erasing-you.tumblr.com

 

* * *

 

Raven didn't expect it to be easy to sneak around Clarke, but the fact that Clarke was always with the Grounders did help. The alliance was, evidently, not an easy thing to maintain. It had been days and Clarke still hadn't been in to see her mother. If Jackson were to allow Clarke to visit, she would, but so far, every time she asked, she was turned down. The only way to distract herself was by working with the Grounders. It was all about the bigger picture. The closer that Clarke got to solving the issues with the Grounders, the less Raven had to work on back at Arkadia. Usually, that would be a good thing, but recently, Raven found herself needing a distraction too. It made sense for Clarke to be upset, but people wouldn't understand if Raven acted like Clarke was. 

It was drizzling lightly outside when Raven made her way across camp to the medical ward. She held her jacket above her head to shield herself from the elements. Her stomach was fluttering, her nerves acting up from her worry of what would happen when she arrived. She was constantly afraid that she would do or say something wrong. It seemed unfair to dance around Abby as if Raven were afraid to break her, but she wasn't exactly in the right state to be handled normally. She hadn't even said anything about what had happened before she appeared at Arkadia to anyone, other than the fact that the Grounders had taken her. She didn't need to say anything about what they did because that was evident enough. Jackson would eventually need the specifics, but he knew that it wasn't the right time to question Abby.

Clarke had demanded to know if the commander she spoke so highly of knew anything about the imprisonment of her mother, but the commander had denied any knowledge of the incident. Raven found it hard to believe her, but she wasn't about to make Clarke any more anxious about the alliance than she already was. There was a lot of pressure on Clarke with everything that was going on, and Raven didn't want to add on to the weight she had on her shoulders. It was unjust to put Clarke in charge of everything, but she wouldn't let anyone else handle it, so the decisions were almost solely up to her.

The sun was starting to slowly rise up above the trees and Raven stopped for a moment to turn and watch. She wondered if Abby had ever gotten a chance to see the sun rise. Shaking the thoughts out of her head, she pulled her eyes away from the distant sky and continued walking. It was early in the morning, Raven didn't even know if Abby would be awake yet. She had to get there before too many people started wandering around to prevent being noticed, and she didn't mind waiting there with Jackson while Abby slept anyway. Jackson would brief her on what was going on, and even though she didn't understand most of the medical aspects of what was going on, she got the general idea of weather or not Abby was getting any better. So far it seemed to be a one step forward, two steps back kind of thing.

"Hey," Raven spoke quietly, pushing through the door of the ward.

"I didn't know if you were coming today," Jackson looked up from whatever he was reading and motioned for Raven to come closer.

Raven looked over and saw Abby curled up on one of the cots, her eyes closed and the blankets pulled tightly around her. The restraints were still gone, Raven was glad nothing bad had happened while she was gone.

"How are things?" Raven asked once she was closer to Jackson. She glanced down at what he had been looking at. It was a chart with several things scribbled down on it that Raven couldn't make out.

"The same," Jackson hid the paper from view and sighed. "There has been a lull in progress."

"You can't expect her to just get better all of a sudden. After everything she's been through," Raven trailed off, not wanting to tread any further into the subject of what Abby had been through.

"I don't expect that, Raven." Jackson said sternly as he stood up and moved from behind his desk. "I'm just giving you an update."

"Why can't you ever tell me details?" Raven questioned, growing impatient.

"You wouldn't understand." He shook his head and moved around Raven to get to something behind her. She turned around and followed him.

"Try me," she challenged him, pushing for more information.

"It's really not any of your concern, Raven." He turned back to face her quickly, causing her to take a step back. "I honestly don't even get why you keep coming back here. Why do you care so much?" Now Jackson sounded pissed off too.

Raven opened her mouth to speak but she was cut off when she heard Abby speak from across the room.

"Raven?"

Forgetting about Jackson, she shifted all of her thoughts onto Abby and moved across the room to see her.

"Hey, stranger," Raven smiled softly and stood by the side of Abby's cot.

Abby studied her for a moment, her eyes wandering around Raven's face almost as if she were looking for something.

"You haven't been sleeping." Abby stated simply, squinting her eyes slightly in attempt to find something more.

Raven was taken by surprise, the last thing she expected was for Abby to be concerned for Raven. Then again, from everything that Raven knew about the woman, she should have known that Abby would try and distract herself by helping other people.

"I-" Raven shook her head. "That's really not important." She chuckled nervously and shifted her weight back and forth on her feet. "You should really be more focused on getting yourself better before you go back to treating anyone else."

Abby hummed disapprovingly and looked away from Raven. "Right, sorry, force of habit.

It was true though, Raven hadn't been sleeping. She'd found it hard to think of anything that didn't keep her up at night. Even before Abby had arrived at camp, Raven had problems. Too much had happened to Raven since she left the Ark, she had seen too much to sleep peacefully. If it wasn't for the medication she was on, Abby would be in the same situation, she probably would've had it worse. Raven thought that having Abby back would've helped ease her sleeplessness, that maybe some of her guilt would've been lifted. If anything, Abby arriving made it worse. Raven now not only felt bad about Abby coming to earth at all, she was also constantly worried about Abby's recovery. She almost wished that Abby had stayed on the Ark, for her own sake, although Raven would never admit it.

"How's the temazepam working for you?" Jackson had walked over when he heard what Abby was saying about sleep.

"Fine," Abby didn't look up at him, she seemed almost aggressive when she spoke. Raven was taken back by Abby's tone, she looked at Jackson to see if he had picked it up too.

Jackson looked frustrated which meant that something really was going on between them. Raven didn't know Jackson all that well, but she knew that when she was on the Ark, the only times she ever saw Jackson was when she was with Abby. They were practically inseparable.

"You'd tell me if you were experiencing any of the side effects?" Jackson crossed his arms across his chest.

"Of course," Abby looked up at Jackson. "We wouldn't want anyone keeping secrets around here, would we?" Something was definitely going on.

"Abby, it's not like she's completely oblivious about what's going on, she just-"

Abby cut him off. "I don't want to talk about it right now, Jackson."

Jackson sighed, letting the subject drop and walking away.

"What was that about?" Raven questioned.

"Jackson won't let Clarke in to see me," Abby was clearly upset. "He says I'm not ready, like I haven't earned it."

"That's not-" Raven scratched the back of her neck, trying to think of some way to word her thoughts without pissing Abby off.

"Not what?"

"He just wants to make sure that you're going to be okay."

"You can visit, so why can't Clarke?" Annoyance laced Abby's voice, Raven was walking on thin ice.

"I don't know," that wasn't completely true, Raven thought she had a pretty good idea of what was going on, she just didn't want to get involved. Making things worse for anyone was not what Raven wanted to do. "Jackson knows what he's doing, Clarke could potentially set something off."

"I don't understand how she could make me worse." Abby should know about the risks of Clarke seeing her, Raven assumed that since it was her life now, it was different. Abby was no longer dealing with stubborn patients, she was dealing with herself and her own daughter. It made sense, it just didn't make it easier.

"You're still getting used to everything, having such a large change before you're fully adjusted might throw everything out of balance." Raven wasn't a doctor, but she had picked up things from being around Jackson. He had tried to explain everything to Raven, and Raven was sure he'd done the same for Abby.

"I'm never going to be fully adjusted, Raven."

"You don't know that." Raven shook her head. "I don't know what happened while you were gone, but I know that you're strong, Abby, you can't give up."

"I'm not giving up, Raven, I'm-" Abby stopped and took a deep breath, stopping herself from saying anything more revealing. "You should go."

"Abby," Raven knew what Abby was doing, she had seen it happen before in herself. When Murphy had damaged her spine, she had tired to give up, and when no one would let her, she tried to push everyone away. She'd thought that Abby would be different, but evidently, she was wrong.

"I'm tired."

"Okay," Raven stood up and took one last look at Abby before leaving. All she wanted was for Abby to get better, but that was proving to be harder than she originally thought. She wasn't going to give up on her. It hadn't even been a month since Abby had been back. There was so much more that needed to happen before she even got close to getting better. Raven couldn't imagine how hard it had been for Jackson to deny Abby of seeing Clarke. Abby knew that it was hard for him, too, but that didn't change how she felt.

There wasn't much Raven could do other than wait.

 

* * *

 

Raven filled her time building things with Wick, it was an easy distraction from everything that was going on.

A few days after Abby had first appeared, Wick was full of curiosity, but Raven had shut him down before he could question too far into what was going on. Working with him was supposed to be where her safe area was. She needed somewhere to think about something other than what was going on with Abby, and she wasn't going to have Wick screwing it up for her.

"Are you okay, Raven?" The sound of Wick's voice grabbed Raven by the arm and pulled her out of her bubble.

"What?" Raven hadn't heard what Wick said, but judging by the look on his face, she figured he was worried about her.

"You're quiet."

"I'm always quiet."

"True, but you're usually quiet because you're zoned in on a project. This quiet is more of a sad quiet." He was wiping off his hands with a rag and moving closer to Raven as if they were about to get into a very emotional conversation. Raven shut that down before it even began.

"Well, I'm not upset about anything. You must just be going crazy."

"Yeah, that's probably it." He smiles and sits down across from Raven at the table she was working at. "Seriously though, what's up?"

"If you really want to know," Raven watched Wick nod slightly, ready for her to open up to him. "Nothing."

"Alright, fine then, keep it to yourself." Wick shrugged and stood up. "But when it starts eating up your soul," he talked with his hands for dramatic effect. "I'll be here. You can always tell me."

"Will do." Raven gave him a mock solute and went back to work on the broken radio in front of her. She usually didn't keep things from Wick, but this one was too big to let slip. It was harsh to say that it wasn't any of his business, but it really wasn't his concern. At the end of the day, they were always friends which only made Raven feel bad about keeping her visits to Abby a secret. She felt even worse about keeping it a secret from Clarke, and there were more risks involved with Clarke finding out. Clarke would be pissed beyond belief if she found out. Raven felt uneasy just thinking about it. So instead of lingering on the thought, she worked on focusing back on the task at hand.

 

* * *

 

There was an unfortunate distance between Raven's work place and the place where she slept. The ground was wet and there were people putting tarps up all around her. The sky was dark, they were preparing for heavy rain, and Raven knew that she should be doing the same. She could only hope that she got back to her tent before the storm arrived. Being stuck out in the pouring rain was not an ideal situation for her. 

Raven had successfully storm-proofed her tent in a matter of minutes. Off in the distance, she could hear the quiet roar of thunder. It still put her on edge, but her fear of the noise had significantly lessened as time had passed. There were rarely storms that passed by that lasted longer than twenty minutes. Raven didn't expect anything different to happen now. The storm might not even hit them, they could end up just getting the tail of it. When the thunder got louder, Raven decided that they weren't just going to get the back of it.

Raven didn't like being cooped up in her tent for too long, it bored her. Wick had given her some things to take back and work on, but she could only do that if she had light. She would have to make sure that her lamp didn't go out. Without light, she was screwed. She couldn't sleep through the storm, it was too loud. Twenty minutes seemed like an eternity when she was all alone. Back on the Ark, she never had to worry about the damn weather, that was one of her least favorite things on earth. It was all so unpredictable.

Things were just starting to get sorted out around Raven when someone came running into Raven's tent. She spun around so quickly, she was afraid for a moment that she'd fall over. Her heart only had a few moments to slow down when she realized it was just Jackson.

"Jackson," Raven let out a sigh of relief. "Anyone ever tell you not to enter without knocking?"

Thunder screamed above them, making Raven jump just enough to be noticed. Rain began pouring down on the tent that surrounded both of them.

"It's Abby," Jackson was out of breath, and Raven could barely hear him over the sounds of the storm.

"What?"

"I was helping put up tarps," he spoke in between heavy breaths, trying to compose himself and failing. "I shouldn't have left, but how could I have known?" Mostly talking to himself, he mumbled a few things that Raven couldn't make out.

"Jackson, calm down," Raven took a step closer and put her hands on his shoulders to anchor him. "What happened?"

"She's gone, Raven," he shook his head and swallowed nervously. "Abby's gone."

It took Raven a moment to register what Jackson had just told her.

"Gone?" Raven tired her best not to panic. "How the hell is she gone?"

"I don't know!" Jackson sounded just as afraid as Raven was feeling. Although he wasn't doing the best job of hiding it. "I just got back and her bed was empty."

"She couldn't have gotten far," Raven waited a few moments after speaking, hoping to have some sort of affirmation from Jackson that she was right. When he said nothing, she spoke again. "Right?"

"I didn't even know she could walk at all," Jackson stepped away from Raven, severing the physical contact between them. "Raven, I didn't think she could even stand."

"This is bad, Jackson, this is very bad."

"You think I don't know that?" Jackson was yelling again now.

"If she's out there now, she might not make it back." Raven felt sick thinking of what could happen.

"I thought we could get her back in time."

"Just you and me?" Raven would've laughed if she wasn't so terrified. "The Doctor and The Cripple, yeah, we'd make the best search team."

"It would've been better than no one looking." Jackson seemed to just now realize how shitty of a plan that was.

"It wouldn't have been better than the guards." Raven was almost mad that Jackson didn't go to them for help. She couldn't blame him though, Raven would've panicked too if she were in his position. "We both know that Kane would do just about anything for Abby."

"I'm sorry," Jackson looked down at the ground. "You were just the first person that came to mind. Now neither of us can do anything anyway, the storm is too strong for either of us to make it through."

Raven bit her bottom lip and weighed her options. "No one else knows that she's missing?"

Jackson looked back up at Raven and shook his head. "Just us."

"Then I'm going."

Jackson's eyes widened and he opened his mouth to protest. "Raven, no, you can't!"

"I'm not just going to leave her out there!"

"The storm will pass, Raven, she could end up being fine." Jackson tried to sound optimistic, but he was far from convincing Raven to stay.

"Just a second ago you were saying that she could die."

"I can't let you do this, Raven."

"You can't stop me," Raven took a step forward, hoping that Jackson would take a step back. He didn't budge.

"I can try." Jackson wasn't very strong, and if Raven's leg wasn't injured she could get past him easily. 

"Dammit, Jackson, let me go!" Raven wasn't just going to wait for the storm to pass. She was tired of waiting for things to change, she wanted to do something about it herself. "I can bring her back."

"I can't lose both of you." Jackson was attached to Abby, and Raven was more of a responsibility than anything else. He just couldn't have both of them dying on his watch.

"You won't lose either of us."

Jackson only shook his head. "I'm sorry, Raven."

"No, I'm sorry," Raven took a deep breath and swung her arm backwards, landing a clean blow across Jackson's face. He crumpled onto the ground, shocked at what Raven had done.

Raven bolted out of the tent as fast as she could, regret settling in her stomach. The rain was cold on her face and it stung her eyes as she ran across the camp. Her leg ached from the strain she was putting on it, but she wasn't going to stop until she found Abby. She stuck with her original thought that Abby couldn't have gone far. Raven tried to think of anywhere that Abby would've wanted to go. Seeing Clarke was the obvious option, but Abby didn't know where Clarke was staying, and even if she did, Clarke wasn't there. She was out on a mission to meet with the Grounders. She was sure that Jackson would've checked the medical ward extensively before coming to see her, but it wouldn't hurt to check again.

Her heart pounded in her ears, blocking out the sound of the thunder that was surrounding her. The dark thought that she wouldn't make it back alive lingered in the back of her mind, although the person in the most danger was Abby. Time was limited, and Raven couldn't waste a second of it.


End file.
